dontravis.com blog post #560
Last
week, Daniel Chamberlain, an ex-seal turned mercenary, had returned home after a
fifteen-year absence upon losing his lover in a firefight. The little kid next
door who used to idolize him in his teen years, has grown into a handsome,
hunky young men. Markey’s vulnerable, but can Daniel get over his loss and
become a man again? 15 years to find Marcus Markey, the little kid who’d
idolized him, had grown into a handsome, hunky young man. But Daniel, an
ex-SEAL turned mercenary had lost his lover, another ex-seal, in a firefight. After
a hunt, Daniel and Markey bathe in the river and things get tense. Daniel has
just asked Markey if he was thinking of joining the SEALS, and Markey answered
with an enigmatic comment that he wouldn’t fit in.
Markey
I left that remark where it was, and we
sat around languidly nipping at the beer, me relating carefully selected bits
and pieces of the last ten years while the night slipped away. I even told him
a little about Beet.
“Beet?
How’d he get a name like that?”
“His last name was Borak, and that’s Polak
for a beet farmer.” I tried to bleed the emotion from my voice. “He was a great
guy.”
“Sounds like he was your bud. You know,
your pal.” He paused before adding. “Special.”
“Yeah, he was. I mustered out and turned
mercenary with him. That’s how special he was.”
“Guess guys get close like that when
they’re living and fighting together.”
“It happens,” I allowed. Had he sensed our
true relationship?
“You ever kill anybody with your hands?”
Another one from out of the blue.
“Yes,” I answered quietly. This was
getting a little intense.
“How did you do it? Cut the guy’s throat?” I shook my head mutely.
“Then how? Show me.” He looked stricken.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to get so personal.”
I tried for some humor. “If I show you, I
might get carried away.”
“That’s okay,” he responded. “I absolve
you in advance.”
“You might, but the law won’t. Stand up,” I
ordered, my voice a little sharper than intended. As he rose, I slipped away
from the fire and melted into the trees. A second later, I heard him call to
me.
“Daniel? Where are you, man?”
I silently circled the camp. From his
occasional shouts, I judged he was growing nervous. This wasn’t the way he had
planned for the game to go.
Understanding he would shift his stance
continuously to watch for me, I eased behind a fat water oak directly to his
left. When he turned to check another direction, I slipped up behind him and
threw my left arm around his throat. My right thumb pressed gently against his
carotid. He gave a strangled gasp and started to struggle but quit when I
pressed harder. His artery pulsed wildly beneath my thumb.
“That’s the way I did it,” I whispered
with my lips against his ear. I eased the pressure but was loath to release him
from my embrace.
He leaned against me in relief. “You scared
the hell out of me, man. But…but it was sort of exciting, too. I didn’t even
hear you. I knew you were coming, but I never heard a thing.”
“You weren’t supposed to.” My index finger
flexed involuntarily against his cheek, caressing the light stubble of his
invisible beard. His hair smelled clean and masculine. The length of his body
rested against me, setting my groin afire. Abruptly, I released him and stepped
away before any damage was done. “That’s the way I did it,” I said again.
“Awesome!” He rubbed his throat where my
arm had been.
“No, it was horrible. It’s an incredible
high until you realize the thing lying at your feet had been a living,
breathing man. Then the excitement leaches away fast.”
“So you didn’t like the killing part,
huh?”
“No sane man likes it, Markey. And I
certainly never did except—” I bit down on my tongue.
“Except when?”
“Except when I was killing the animals who
slaughtered my…friend. And I wasn’t too sane at the time.” I drew a shaky
breath. “Well, I’m turning in.”
“Yeah, me, too. It’s been a full day with
my first buck and all. And…well, being with you. You know, hearing about your
experiences.”
“For me, too. It was good to see what kind
of a man the kid next door grew up to be.”
“A disappointment probably.”
“Why would you say that? You’re a handsome, healthy young man and a
good person as far as I can see.”
“Maybe. Sometimes I wonder.”
“Anything you need to talk out?”
That slight hesitation and shake of the
head again. “No. I’m okay.”
Deciding to let him off the hook, I stripped
to my skivvies and slipped into a sleeping bag laid out in the back of my SUV.
Markey’s white jockeys made his flesh seem even darker as he crawled into his
own fart bag beside me. We said our goodnights and a silence grew, broken only
by the call of night creatures and the squawk of a loon somewhere at the far
end of the lake.
“Daniel, is it true they drown proof you
in BUD/S? How do they do that?”
“They tie your ass up and dump you in the
water. The first thing you learn is not to panic. When you get over being
afraid, you learn to bob your way to the surface and to the shore.”
“Kinda like a real seal, huh?”
“Yep, just not as graceful.”
He let the silence go on longer this time.
“Daniel, I…I missed you, man. Thought about you a lot. Your mom used to let me
read your letters.”
“I missed you, too, kid.”
“No you didn’t. You were out there doing
all kinds of exciting things. You didn’t think about the pesky little kid back
home.”
“You’d be surprised. Mom kept me up on
your life. I even have some pictures she sent.”
“You do? Which pictures?”
“Photos of you in your football uniform,
your graduation, things like that.”
“Awesome. I thought you’d forgot all about
me.”
“No way, kid. You were my little brother,
you know.”
“And you were my…” The voice died away.
“Your what?”
“Idol, I guess.”
I turned to face him. “That’s not what you
were going to say, is it?”
He dipped his head. “Daniel, if I tell you
something, will you hate me?”
I chuckled softly. “I could never hate
you, Markey.”
“Don’t be so sure. But never mind.” He
flopped over on his side.
I clasped his naked shoulder, pulling him
onto his back. “Not so fast, buster. You can’t give an intro like that and then
just walk away from it. Say it, Markey, and trust me to handle it, okay?”
“I…” the voice dropped to a mumble. “I
have feelings for you.”
“So do I, buddy.”
“No!” he cried in an anguished voice.
“Not…not like that. I have feelings for you! I want to do things with
you. But…but I don’t know what!”
I swallowed hard. “What are you saying,
kid?”
“Kid! Yeah, what are you saying, kid?”
“Sorry, but to an old dog like me, you are
a kid.”
A silence grew. Well, you fucked that one, Chamberlain. I was debating pushing him
some more when he spoke.
“Daniel, how do you know if you’re….”
“You’re what?”
I sensed rather than saw his shrug.
“Different.”
“Everybody’s different, Markey. That’s
what makes us who we are.”
“I’m not talking psychology. I’m
different.”
I threw back my sleeping bag and came up
to rest on my elbow. “Okay, man, it’s time to talk turkey here. Say what you
mean.”
“How do you know if you’re…well, gay?”
That one hit me between the eyes. “You try
it with another man. If you want to slug him when it’s over, then you’re not.
If you don’t give a shit one way or the other, you were probably just
experimenting. If you can’t wait to try it again, then you probably are.”
He turned to face me, and even in the
faint light, I saw him examine my naked torso. “Who do you try it with?”
“Someone you like. A buddy. Someone who
won’t go berserk on you afterward.”
His Adam’s apple moved. “Can I try it with
you?”
“Me?” My mouth went dry.
“Sorry,” he backed off. “But I’ve been wanting
to try it so bad. And I don’t know anyone safe. I mean—”
“I know what you mean.”
“I love you, Daniel,” he said so softly I
wasn’t sure I heard him right.
“That’s kind of fast, man. I just got
back.”
“No. I’ve loved you since before you went
away,” he said, swiveling his head away from me.”
“You were only eight years old then.”
“Didn’t matter. I still felt that way.
Thought maybe you felt it back. Nobody ever treated me like you did.
Practically like a grown up…like you were.”
I laughed softly. “Shit, I wasn’t even a
grown-up myself.”
“You were to me…the most grown-up guy I
knew.”
I put a palm to his cheek and turned his
head to me. Silver shafts of light in the onyx corneas made them gleam like
black fire.
“I didn’t know,” I whispered.
“Remember how I used to feel your muscles
after we worked out? I always hoped you’d feel mine back, but you never did.”
“Didn’t mean I didn’t want to.”
“Did you?” he asked, flopping on his side
to face me.
“Yeah, but I didn’t have the nerve. If I
had touched you, something would have happened, and you were too young. Hell,
you probably didn’t even know anything about things like that.”
“Then how come I’d go home and play with
my pecker afterward? The first time I came, Daniel, I was thinking of you.”
I didn’t know what to say, so I kept my
mouth shut.
*****
It seems some military
demonstrations have turned into something quite different. It’s clear that
Markey is willing…anxious even, but Daniel?
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